


one for the money, two for the show

by thelabours



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: A Slightly Morbid But Still Funny AU, Gen, Magic!AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-11-15 18:14:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11236497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelabours/pseuds/thelabours
Summary: on a dark, dark night, their car breaks downa man with a dark, dark smile welcomes themwhat dark, dark secrets does the little gift shop of horror hold?





	one for the money, two for the show

**Author's Note:**

  * For [qq_riri](https://archiveofourown.org/users/qq_riri/gifts).



> HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEI AAAAA i'm sorry this was late i hope you like it though you tiny bean !!!

When Tendou hears the sound of cars screeching to a halt outside the gift shop, he couldn’t be more pleased. In fact, he was so pleased, he’d even donned his best jacket (a loud orange-and-mauve number resting on the coat rack along with his hat collection).

He waits for the telltale footsteps (which would be near impossible for a human to hear in the pouring rain but posed absolutely no problems for Tendou) by the door and hears the telltale terrified whisperings on the other side. Of the door, that is. Tendou can hear whisperings from the Other Side, too, of course. But that isn’t very relevant today. He swings the door open. It creeks rather ominously.

The short, red-haired one shrieks and hides behind his freckled friend. The rest of the group is dead quiet. _Haha, dead_ thinks Tendou, opening the door wider.

“Hello there, travellers. It looks like your car has broken down on this old country lane. In the dead of the night, too! How unfortunate!” He smiles at the lot, careful not to let his fangs slip out. The travelling party all collectively take a step back.

“Come on in! This place is far away enough that no one will hear your screams!” Tendou hops from foot to foot delightedly. The redhead looks positively terrified while the tall black haired one (who, in Tendou’s esteemed opinion, needed lessons in _How To Smile Without Scaring Friends and Tiny Woodland Animals_ ) grabbed the freckled one by the collar towards himself.

“Just kidding, kids. I wanted to try out something I’d heard earlier.” _In the morgue_. “Pretend I didn’t say that! Do you guys want coffee? You’re completely drenched! Come in.”

The travellers, six in number but minus twenty in things that matter (like common sense), step into what looks to be a souvenir store. The red haired one seems to have gotten over his initial terror and is looking around curiously. He walks over to the closest shelf and stretches out a finger to poke the ornament. 

Tendou turns around just in time to see this and yells, “ _DON’T TOUCH THAT!_ ” 

The shorty jumps and squeaks out a sorry while his black haired friend scolds him profusely.

Tendou sighs. _Kids_.

“So, kids, you’re here after hours! When cursed objects and taboo trinkets are on sale! And cupcakes!”

The grey haired one (who, if Tendou still remembers how to do math, is 55.8% leg) says, “Um, mister, we’re sorry, but we’re not here for shopping. You see, our car br—“

“Yeah, yeah, our car broke down, you saw this fine establishment and decided to step in to have some fun. I’ll show you a fun time! Don’t worry! Now to get into the spirit,” _heh, spirit_ , “let’s switch the lights off! Oi, Glasses-kid, the switch is next to you on the wall. Go ahead, I’ll light this lantern.” Tendou pulls out an old lantern from behind him, like magic. Probably magic.

For a moment, everything is dark and the little red one can be heard whimpering. A ‘Hinata, shut up!’ is also heard. Muffled squeaking ensues.

“Ah, there we go. Right so through here everyone, mind your heads! So, to the left we have candles! See any you like?”

In the light of the lantern the kids can see faded print on peeling paper, brown glass jars filled with odd smelling—is that _wax_?

The Glasses kid picks one up and wrinkles his nose daintily. “Tabasco ‘n’ Blood?” He sounds disgusted.

“Yeah, never heard of the spicy and sweet combo, have you?” Tendou sounds hurt, “Well, you drive a hard bargain. I’ll give ya this one and a free postcard.”

Where he pulled the unicorn postcard from, no one can tell but they're willing to attribute it to a trick of the light.

“Here, it’s a novelty postcard! My nephew drew this!”

\--

_“Uncle Satori, look!” Tsutomu holds up his paper to show his uncle a wonky looking radish with a wart and a black eye. “It’s a unicorn!”_

_Tendou pats his nephew’s head and smiles gently at him._

_“It’s really cute, Tsutomu. Say, why don’t we print these and sell them at the gift shop?”_

_Tsutomu’s smile, in that moment, could probably have rivalled the sun in terms of brightness and warmth._

\--

“Right let’s move on shall we!” Tendou almost trips over his cat. His smile stretches impossibly wide again. He picks his cat up face his customers.

“Here’s a cat. Not very smart, this late at night, but he’s always up for salted mackerel.”

The cat’s ears perk up and, to the kids’ horror, fascination, and outright disbelief, it speaks.

“Put me down, you nasty long fingered gold digger.”

The grey-haired leg dude lifts a shaky finger up to the cat and says, “B-but the cat goes meow.”

The cat gives him the Look and says, “No, the cat goes wherever it can shine the light of knowledge into the darkness of ignorance,” and squirms himself out of Tendou’s grasp.

“Ah, well. Probably not the best thing here, anyway. Come along!” and goes on ahead with the lantern.

\--

The party exchange glances (all different shades of terrified, from ‘can-you-fucking-believe’ to ‘when-can-we-leave’).

“Hey, I don’t think we should follow him,” Kageyama says, ”he smiles weird.”

“So do you, Kageyama-kun.”

“Point taken.”

Meanwhile, in the semi darkness, Yamaguchi asks for favour.

“Hey, Tsukki? Can I have the postcard? I think Hitoka would like it.”

“I’ll give it to you if you stop flaunting your heterosexuality.”

“You’re literally dating a girl.”

And when an ‘I _said_ , come _along_!’ comes from up ahead, they trip over themselves to catch up with their host. When they finally do (through a seemingly endlessly long hallway), just when they thought they could bask in the light of a weak flickering flame, said flame goes out and they collectively shiver as a cold draft passes.

It is at this point the weather decides it’s had enough and unleashes lightning, thunder, and an extra strong dose of raindrops. In whatever little light they have, they see Tendou’s expression flicker in annoyance. His eyes glow red for a second (but everyone is scared enough to willingly attribute this to a trick of the light).

They all jump when Tendou yells.

“Hey Suga- _chan_? Could you please control your _useless fucking wind spirits_? Thanks!”

“Yeah, sorry! Trying to blow dry this corpse for tomorrow!” A muffled reply is heard. Nobody wants to double check these words. Tendou turns to them once again, the lantern lit with another flame, dancing in its glass prison.

“So, kids, you’re savvy customers, huh? Worry not, there’s more.”

He leads them past a hallway of paintings, each illuminated for only a moment but enough to tingle the spine. A skull dripping with blood, a snake swallowing a mouse whole, a hand. They catch some names, too. _Painting of a Blue Woman_ was one that caught the eye, although no one could tell why. It would strike them later that the painting was entirely done in red.

“Here are our costumes! Look at this stuff, vintage designs like you’d find nowhere else!”

“Is that—is that a boa?” Hinata asks.

“What? Yeah! You interested, kid?” 

Tsukishima answers for him. “No, just wondering why it was moving.”

“It’s a boa _constrictor_.”

“Oh.”

“Why don’t you kids wait here and look around and I’ll grab you some coffee.” Tendou’s already out the door and on his way to make the best damned cups of coffee these kids have ever tasted. They don’t get many customers around these parts, not like in the old days. Tendou’s determined to make the best of the situation. Maybe it was time to break out Kenji-kun’s magic beans. Unless he’s sold them to the giants. In which case, Tendou will have to make do with the fine roast.

\--

Back in the Dressing Room (because that’s what the door read), our travelling protagonist party were left in the dark (awareness wise) in the dark (illumination wise).

“we should’ve asked him to leave us the lantern.”

“No shit, Sherlock.”

“Hey, what does this say? Lev, come here and read it out, you’re the tallest.”

“It says…it says _Cabinet of Curiosities_. Sounds vintage.”

Tsukishima rolled his eyes. “Must be full of worthless junk. Don’t touch anything, though.”

“Yes, mom,” the group choruses.

Lev, now overcome with curiosity, squints in, trying to make out the details of the cabinet’s contents. There seem to be many pictures, pinned to little boards and frames. There’s what looks like newspaper clippings of murders (something about a butcher’s knife and cursed pet), a photograph of two grey-haired men dressed in robes, a stone engraved with runes.

“Ah, so you’ve found the Curiosity Cabinet? It’s full of old, sentimental stuff. See anything you like?” They hadn’t heard Tendou return, arms full of cups and mugs, although no one could tell how he was carrying so many with just two hands.

This was, apparently, too much for Yamaguchi.

“How is this stuff real?!”

Tendou only shrugs, passing him a green mug. “Are we real? Is this reality? Jean-Paul Sartre postulated that every existing thing is born without reason, prolongs itself out of weakness, and dies by chance. Oh, and by the way, I didn’t have any coffee so you’ll have to make do with hot chocolate.”

“Why’s the drink black?”

“…We don’t have any milk.”

Everyone takes a sip of their drink by way of reply.

“So, see anything ya like? These dresses are the real deal, I tell ya. Straight from the bourgeoisie of the 90s!”

“The 90s?”

“Yeah, The 1890s!”

Tsukishima had, by now, had enough.

“Sir,” he felt a little out of sorts with Tendou looking at him expectantly, “our car broke down, and we need to reach the town by sunrise for a wedding. Can you help us?”

“A wedding? My boy, why didn’t you say so earlier? Here.”

Tendou leads them away to yet another ornately decorated room, half-hidden at the back of which was a door.

“Go through, each of you, in a line. Whisper where you want to go and it will take you.”

Yamaguchi, thankfully, has the common sense to ask, “What about our car?”

“What about your car?”

Kageyama bristles, “he means how will we collect it? We can't just…leave it,” he finishes lamely.

Tendou smiles a strange smile and licks his teeth carefully, “Well…when you’re done, ask the townsfolk for the Little Gift Shop. They’ll tell you.”

The group agree and pass through the door. Magically (probably magically), they find themselves transported to the venue. Three days later, after the festivities (finally! Daichi had married Yui and all was well), our band of travellers asked the best man to direct them to the Little Gift Shop.

At the name, he immediately looked uneasy and said, “I—I don’t know such a place.”

They describe the building, sloping roof and tiny windows. 

They describe the owner, too, red hair and strange smile.

“Oh, I think you mean the little gift shop of horrors,” the man laughs, “it’s a bit of a legend around here. The man you described brings in tourists and keeps them prisoner until they buy something from him.”

Hinata looks between the man and his friends with rising panic. “But he let us go!” he protests.

The man shakes his head, “he never lets anyone go.”

The sky turns dark suddenly and the friends’ surroundings melt away.

\--

Tendou is holding a paperweight with six little figures inside. He’s looking at them the same way young boys look at ants before burning them to bits.

“Hey, kitty, kitty, do you want some mackerel?”

The cat looks at him in disdain.

**Author's Note:**

> hello readers,  
> how many cameos did you count? (yes, the cat was kuroo).  
> this is, for the most part, unedited and highly inspired by  
> [this](http://gravityfalls.wikia.com/wiki/Little_Gift_Shop_of_Horrors/Transcript) gravity falls episode.  
> if you noticed that i mentioned six travellers, but only five are named, the last traveller is, of course, you.
> 
> (also many thanks to [vi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nvt%22) and [simran](https://father-egg.tumblr.com) for beta-reading and putting up with my whiny ass. lov u.)
> 
> my tumblr: [(x)](https://iceandbrimstone.tumblr.com)  
> my twitter: [(x)](https://twitter.com/kirikamis)


End file.
